In the world of dating and relationships, there are only a handful of things that are certain. One of those things is that neither men or women seem to know what the other sex wants. It’s even likely to say that we don’t know what other people of our own sex want.
Well, Jeremy Cid and I are here to help. Continuing with our “He said/She said” series, we provide our professional insights to what men really want when they’re looking for a partner.
He says…
When it comes to what men find attractive and what a man needs/wants to stay with a woman, there are about as many answers as there are people in the world. That being said, if a single answer had to be given that served as the cart blanche answer for all men, it would be confidence. Confidence can be applied in so many ways, which is where the real explanation is needed. A woman who is secure with who she is and who knows she is desirable is far more attractive than a woman who is not. In general, men do not want women who are “fixer uppers”. Cars, yes. Women, no. That’s not to say that we want a woman who thinks she’s perfect or can do no wrong. Rather, that she is comfortable with the fact that she is human, and as a human, she is fallible.
She says…
Historically, women have been taught to be demure and let men take charge. We have been conditioned to let men lead and we follow. We have watched our elders model this behavior over and over again. We watch them diminish their strengths to allow the man in their life to shine. We have taken this to an extreme, in which, we constantly engage in self-deprecation. When someone compliments us, we automatically discount their kind words by pointing out our flaws or downgrade the effort we have put into something. If we say things like this aloud, imagine the terrible things we say to ourselves in our heads. This pattern only serves to tear us down and eliminate what little self-esteem we have left. At this point, confidence isn’t even in our vocabulary.
He says…
Confidence also refers to a woman feeling secure in the way she looks. Men, like women, are attracted to beautiful things. They’re eye catching and there’s nothing wrong with admitting that. More importantly, it’s what the beauty says about the commitment to herself. Let me be clear and point out that I am not referring to only women who are a size 2. A woman can be any size and still send the message that she takes care of herself to her standard and is happy with the results. The bottom line is that a woman who takes time each day tending to her own needs and desires (beauty/workout routine), gives us men the comfort that if needed, she has the ability and the desire to tend to our needs as well. A woman who doesn’t take care of herself, well, the inverse is also true
She says…
Self-care is hands down the most important thing someone needs to do for themselves. When I refer to self-care, hygiene, eating habits and exercise are all a part of that, but we are multi-dimensional and we also need to attend to our mental, emotional, social and spiritual needs in addition to the physical. The number one mistake I see most women make is putting all of their needs on the back burner to attend to someone else. You see it all of the time in romantic relationships and parenting, but it also happens in friendships and family of origin relationships with regularity. With all of that time and energy invested in others, of course there is little time for a woman to attend to herself. By making yourself a priority and caring for yourself in each of these dimensions, you are able to create balance. With that balance not only will you feel happier, you will feel better physically and your relationships will improve.
He says…
Expanding even further on confidence is the emotional intelligence factor. There is a world of difference between a woman who needs a man and a woman who wants a man. A woman who refuses to let her world come down around her if a man doesn’t love her is so sexy. We want to know that you want us to be around without feeling guilty if things didn’t work out. It is human nature to have the desire to share our lives with another human being. We are not meant to be alone. That does not mean that is has to be me that you share your life with. This also goes to the type of reaction when we do something wrong.
She says…
The best thing you can do for yourself as a woman is to have your own life. All too often, we throw ourselves into a man’s life. We adopt his wants and needs and forget our own. When we give up our individuality, we damage ourselves and our relationships. We become needy and clingy which is a very unhealthy dynamic. By maintaining your independence, you set yourself up to be ok if things don’t work out. Now, I’m not encouraging you to anticipate the end of a relationship, but the reality is that all relationships end at some point whether it is a break-up or death. If you do not maintain a life of your own, that end can be devastating. When you need a man in your life to complete it, rather than wanting a man to complement it, you are in trouble. Independence is sexy. Who wants to be with someone who will smother them?
He says…
Listen ladies, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, we’re men. We’re a going to mess up. You have to train us like a dog to get what you want. I’m not saying not to point out bad behavior. Sometimes it’s necessary, but it should be selective. The best way to get results from training a dog to sit and shake is through positive reinforcement and treats when the desired behavior is displayed. If you want us to send you flowers more often, instead of saying, “I wish you would send me flowers more often”, say instead (as you Future walk up and wrap your arms around his neck) “Honey, remember that time you sent that beautiful bouquet of roses to my office? I was thinking about that today and I just wanted to say thank you again. That was so sweet and it really made my day.” Then, give him a nice smooch on the lips. Maybe a little make-out session to show the effect those roses had on you. The difference is that you are highlighting something he did good instead of something he’s not doing, which is bad. Beat a dog, and he learns to be afraid of you and avoids you. Beat a man and he just learns to avoid you. This also refers to being impatient or getting too worked over things. I have a couple of friends who have been together for a little more than seven years. They just got engaged in April, in part because the woman said, “Time is running out. Either poop or get off the pot. I want to get married.” To me, this is perfectly ??????????????????? acceptable. She was patient and confident in what she wanted. The end result was the desired ring on said finger. It’s important to note that she did not constantly harass him about getting married. She brought up the subject, to which he replied that he wasn’t ready. She gave him a respectable amount of time, then put her foot down about what she wanted. Pushing a man to do what you want is counter-productive. State what you want, be firm, and if he doesn’t deliver appropriately, then move on. You deserve to be with someone who wants to do the things to make you happy without having to beg for it.
She says…
We teach people how to treat us. Period. When someone treats us poorly and we don’t say anything about it, we have just taught them that we condone their behavior. When we want someone to do something, threatening and nagging might work, but we lose respect and love when we do that. Plus, it doesn’t work for long. If we want to “train” our partner, use positive reinforcement. If you have ever trained an animal, you know that they respond to punishment, but the long lasting changes come from continual positive reinforcement. People are no different. Take work for example, you can get people to meet deadlines by threatening them, but overall, their work will likely suffer. If you give positive reinforcement and encouragement, not only will they perform better long term, they will actually want to stick around. Relationships are much like this. For positive reinforcement to be effective, you must determine what is rewarding for another person. We are all different and what works for one person, doesn’t necessarily work for another. Really tune in to what makes your partner happy and rewarding them in that way will have a great effect. It is also effective because you have taken the time to identify what is meaningful to the other person. Have you ever gotten a gift and thought to yourself, “Does this person know me at all?” Positive reinforcement is the same. When we nag or threaten someone to do something, we control them. The more someone feels like they are being controlled, the less they want to give in. It is just like tug of war with a dog or conflict with a teenager. The more you pull, the more they pull back. With positive reinforcement, other people actually feel like they want to engage in certain behaviors because they feel like they are in control of their own actions. They may even think it is their idea.
When you make yourself a priority, you have the ability to regularly attend to your needs. This is a crucial piece for everyone. By taking care of your own needs, you will enter in relationships based on wanting the relationship to add to your life, not create it. When you have respect for yourself, you will attract people who are capable and willing to treat you with respect. This sets up a healthy dynamic in relationships because we aren’t looking to fill a void. Which brings me to my closing point. Ladies and gentlemen, most relationships are not going to work for one reason or another. That is the fact of life that people seem to ignore. I am a huge advocate of commitment and doing what it takes to make the relationship work. But we each have to know ourselves and stay true to that. There’s no reason to settle, for anyone. If a man truly loves you and wants to keep you, he will do what is required. But it is up to you to inform and educate him on what that is. If he doesn’t deliver, that’s on him and it is his loss. Move on to the next guy who just might be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Michelle Lewis
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Michelle Lewis has been working in the mental health field since 2001. She has a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Weber State University and a Master’s degree in Social Work from the University of Utah. She is passionate about helping others achieve their goals.
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